Nina and I listened to a sermon Sunday about bullying and hurtful words and I was motivated to write about it on my blog.
Recently Florida officials charged two girls, ages 12 and 14, with felonies for allegedly taunting and bullying another 12-year-old girl until she committed suicide. The arrests were made after one of the two girls posted on Facebook that she had bullied the victim, and didn't care that she had died.
The victim, who killed herself by jumping off a cement factory tower, was "terrorized" by as many as 15 girls who picked on her for months through online message boards and texts, according to authorities. One message said she should "drink bleach and die.'' The online harassment allegedly continued after she transferred to a different school.
The definition of bullying is unwanted, aggressive behavior among school aged children that involves a real or perceived power imbalance. The behavior is repeated, or has the potential to be repeated, over time. Bullying includes actions such as making threats, spreading rumors, attacking someone physically or verbally, and excluding someone from a group on purpose.
After church Nina and I talked about bullying and both believe since the time we were growing up (60’s and 70’s) the internet and social media has made it easier to bully, and back then it seemed more common for your friends to speak up and support you. Ultimately, you could also choose to punch the bully in the nose!
Social media has made such a physical confrontation impossible, and the result of our insatiable need to assess blame in our litigious culture has created a paradigm of not getting involved as normal and appropriate behavior. Those individuals who do jump on the subway tracks or rush into harms way are rightfully proclaimed as heros, because sadly, their actions are the exception.
Over time, any organized entity, be it a church, a business, a social club, or even a country, takes on the personality of their leader. It is deplorable the example our national leaders exhibit when they publically belittle those of differing opinions and portray their diatribe as not only acceptable, but admirable. Such demeaning behavior is even more egregious on the “talk shows” of television and radio.
I was appalled to read about bullying in professional football and conclude that if formidable adult athletes are unable to prevent being subjected to such torment, it is no wonder that a child can rationalize an extreme solution such as suicide. And suicide is a tragedy because eventually the bullying will come to an end.
Which leads to the question of what can we do to stop bullying? The internet is filled with sites that provide resources and advice for the prevention of not only children, but teen, workplace and cyber bullying.
I have no simple answers other than to encourage us all to speak out when we see bullying perpetrated against those who feel so helpless and alone. Thank you!
Friends of mine and I were having a talk about this very thing on facebook last week George. Actually we were talking more about 'regular' bullying if that makes sense. Not this extreme bullying that happens behind close doors. Bullies that are even more cowardice now then when we grew up.
ReplyDeleteNow as far as the 'run of the mill' bullying ( and I know I am not going to be popular) but I mean kid stuff...I truly believe we as a society are dropping the ball on so many levels. I believe, and again I can't stress this enough, I don't mean in cases like the one you described above, that we aren't empowering our children enough. I see it so often where parent's get involved in neighbourhood tiffs between kids. Throwing out the word bullying in cases where the kids just aren't being kind to each other. As a parent I know how truly heartbreaking it is when your child has been hurt by the words of another ( again NOT in extreme bullying cases) and I understand the need to protect our kids. That being said 9 times out of 10 the kids, if left to their own devices are friends again by the end of the day. It teaches them to resolve their conflicts. To stand up for themselves and to know that words are just that...AGAIN in milder cases.
All three of our boys have had 'run ins' with what society might consider bullying. One child a little more of a bully situation than the other two but thankfully, so far they have only had the one encounter and the bully moved on. I am not saying I am all that and a bag of chips as a parent. I am certain that by today's standards at least one of my boys probably might have been a bully at some point, in some situation- what I am saying is I would hope the trend would be less focus at an early age on the bully and more on empowering our children to deal with situations. We can't shield them from every hurt. The mean kid playing street hockey with them is nothing compared to the *^& of a boss they may encounter some day.
AGAIN...talking milder bullying NOT cases like mentioned above.
Sorry for the long, slightly off topic comment, This is just something close to my heart. We have a boy here in our neighbourhood whose mother comes out at every turn and yells at the other kids because her son said they were being mean to him ( they actually treat him really well I can see them out my window- something she cannot and he has anger issues...) what happens it the kids don't want to play with him NOT because of him, they say their piece to him and move on, but because he will go home and out of nowhere his mother appears. I have watched this happen and every time the kids are shocked as they haven't treated him any different than the last guy that 'cross checked' LOL.
love
willie
Willie, I want to address what you say straight away and tell you I could not agree with you more. I appreciate the comment and I know exactly what you are talking about. I call it doing the wrong thing for the right reason.
DeleteWe all want to shelter our kids from the big bad world, but if we never let them learn conflict resolution as a child, they grow up to be adults that cannot cope with life and are in for a troubling time. And you are so right about how in the morning they fight and 90% of the time if the grown-ups don't interfere, by afternoon they are back to being the best of friends.
I would even hesitsate to call playground skirmishs bullying unless it was one individual child who was consistantly picking on the same other child. Being a parent is not easy!
Thanks again for your input. I will be interested to see what others may have to say.
love,
George
Hi George, a wonderful and thought provoking post. This is such a tragic story and I agree, we all need to do what we can to combat bullying, in all forms. The internet and social media have certainly made it easier for bullies!
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Roz
Hi Roz, thanks for the comment. The internet and social media has been both a blessing and a curse providing a platform for both positive and negative. You are so right about how it makes it easier for bullies to be mean and then hide like cowards in a cloak of anonymity.
DeleteHugs and Blessings,
George
I was bullied mercilessly as a child. On the way home every day on my bus I was spit on, called names, hit... the busdriver did nothing and neither did the school. Often the school would say, "How did YOU cause this?" Like it was normal for 5 or 6 children to gang up on one girl. My little brother had it even worse. He was special needs and the boys in his class would corner him and beat him in the bathroom. Again, my brother was blamed because 3 or 4 against one special needs child is fair.
ReplyDeleteHis teachers also bullied him. One teacher slapped him. Another never allowed him to go to recess. Another made him sit in a desk in the corner facing the wall. No one was ever punished. I hate bullying. Great post.
love
sara
Good grief Sara. I'm so sorry you and your brother had to go through that. And the teachers! If that happened today, they'd be brought up on charges. You're one of the nicest ladies I "know", and I bet your brother is pretty exceptional too! Hugs.
DeleteHey Sara...I'm with Queenie...so sorry you and your brother had to endure that kind of behavior. I would be more than happy to go kick some tushie for you! ;)
DeleteHugs and Blessings...
Cat
Sara, I am also so sorry that you had to experience such meanness. I agree with Queenie, you are a precious and dear soul. I cannot imagine how people can be so mean to others, but unfortunately, such is the history of the world.
DeleteDon't know if you have ever heard the story of the man who was standing on the beach picking up starfish and tossing them one by one back into the sea. Someone came along and pointed out there were thousands of starfish on the beach and he alone was not going to make any difference.
He said he might not be able to toss them all back into the sea, but he was making a difference for those he did toss back.
We all need to be like this individual and although we can't eradicate bullying, we can make a difference when and where we can.
Hugs and blessings,
George
Well thank you Queenie, Cat, and George. You are all so kind yourselves! I do wish I could go back in time sometimes, not to help myself but to help my brother. It still hurts me to this day that he endured what he did. He is the sweetest soul you could ever know and so forgiving. He hates no one for anything and if anyone deserved to be hateful it would be him. Yet he holds no animosity, no grudge, and just goes on his little quiet way. It makes me want to cry sometimes because he is so good and they were so bad. love and hugs, sara
DeleteI too have experienced what Willie described - that parents describe any unkind behavior as bullying rather than letting the kids work it out for themselves. I'm also concerned with how the school has, in my opinion, overreacted to issues generally from the pressure from parents. Conflict resolution, both from the bully and the bullied, are valuable life lessons.
ReplyDeleteWhat particularly worries me about cyber bullying is that the kids can't get a break from it and aren't even immune in their own homes.
Leah, thank you for the comment. I think we all have observed those parents. I like to say they are doing the worng thing for the right reason. We all want to protect our kids, but if we shelter them from learning conflict resolution as children, we are creating adults that cannot cope.
DeleteWillie is right about having to deal with the boss from hell and our playground experience is likely where we learned how best to deal with them.
I agree, cyber bullies create a very difficult problem for both the kids and the parents. Being a parent is not for the weak! Sorry, I know I am preaching to the choir!
Thanks again for your comments.
Hugs and blessings,
George
There were plenty of bullies in my school too. If you became their target, God help you! Today though, we have the added torture of bullying through socail media as Leah said. At least before, you could escape at the end of the school day. I think a lot of kids today just don't have a lot of empathy. Is it all the violence in movies/video games? Parents that never said no? I read a letter to Dear Abby a few days ago from a father of a 13 year old girl who was afraid to limit her cell phone use. He thought she would become too angry about it and "throw a fit". Wow!
ReplyDeleteHi Queenie, Wow, a father afraid to say no to his daughter because she might throw a fit! I can onlly imagine what kind of adult she will become!
DeleteYou raise an intersting question about violence in the media. I agree that repeat exposure to violence creates an insensitivity to violence. I read about drills in WWII that were done to reduce the hesitancy of Japanese soldiers to killing in hand to hand combat that were ghastly. So I would agree that the violence/slasher moives/routine killing in movies and television is at the least a contributary factor.
I think as well as apathy, contributing to the bullying problem is kids, as well as todays adults, are taught it is best not to get involved! At the risk of sounding like an old fart, when I was growing up, occasionally bad things happened without anyone to blame for it and we just accepted it as bad luck or in a more modern expression, s##t happens! If you did accidently hurt a someone an apology would fix it. If they didn't, you enlisted friends to come to your aid and eventually the problems got resolved. Some parents have a difficult time grasping that concept and those are the ones who interfere instead of allowing the kids to work things out.
Not to say there are not times when it is appropriate for parents to get involved. The hard part is knowing when to step in and when not to.
I love the movie, "A Few Good Men" when at the conclusion the one guy says "we didn't do anything wrong" and the other tells him "yes we did, we were supposed to stand up for those that can't stand up for themselves".
Sorry to pontificate, but I get passionate sometimes and carry on, and on, and on....!
Thanks again for your thoughtful comments,
Hugs and blessings,
George
Hey George...I think we all grew up with a neighborhood and/or schoolyard bully or two. We hung with our friends and stayed away from the bullies. If you were me and they got too close, you kicked butt! Otherwise, your friends kicked butt.
ReplyDeleteI am with Willy in that I think many use the term bullying whenever kids are being mean to one another...I'm referring to the 'normal' kid squabbles. I can remember fighting with my best friend and stomping home swearing I would never speak to her again. An hour later either she was knocking on my front door or I was knocking on hers to go play. We had one neighborhood mother that got into everyone's business...and her son was the neighborhood bully so we had two reasons to stay away from him! She was always tattling to our parents about whatever...sheesh!
Cyber bullying is so different because you can't get away from it...it invades your home through social media. There doesn't seem to be any accountability for bad behavior anymore...it's always someone else's fault...basically, the schools and parents need to hold these 'little darlings' accountable for their behavior! Three cheers for the authorities for pursuing the offenders!
Trying to keep this from becoming a book so I hope I'm making sense here.
Hugs and Blessings...
Cat
Cat, glad you added your thoughts! This has been an emotional topic for sure. Everything you say is right on! How I wish the schools could do more, but parents make that nearly impossible. Teachers used to be respected and supported by parents. Now it seems as if the parents of the "little darlings" need as much discipline as their children. They are the ones who immediatley complain to the school about a teacher.
DeleteI would be interested to hear from somne of the teachers and their stories of dealing with the kids.
I know it is a bit idealistic, but if we would pay our teachers a living wage we would not only attract but keep better qualified individuals to educate and nurture our future leaders. My daughter is a first year teacher making a whopping 33K per year! (ok, I am biased!)
I realize that won't happen and it doesn't address the problem of cyber bullying. That is a tough one, for which I have no good answer.
Hugs and Blessing to you too,
George
Sadly, no matter what we do, there will always be people that feel the need to put others beneath them. :( I think the biggest thing we can do is acknowledge it when we see it, and do all we can to, first of all make sure anyone being bullied does not feel alone, and second of all, come to their rescue in as much as in our power to do so, and getting other resources, other help, when we can't be enough.
ReplyDeleteIt is scary to think that at 14, those girls could think that way. I am glad that they are being charged. Children think they are untouchable, and they need to realize there are consequences, no matter what your age.
{{{hugs}}} EsMay
Es May, I find it hard to comprehend how people can be so mean to others, but such has been the history of mankind. You are so right about doing what we can when we see another in need, especially the kids. I agree those girls need to be held accountable for their actions, and perhaps also their parents! Like the expression goes, the apple never falls far from the tree.
ReplyDeleteHugs and Blessings,
George