Friday, June 7, 2013
My Love, My Life, My Roomate
Do you ever seem to be living “apart” in your household each of you doing your own thing. Is TTWD an attempt to be more connected? If so, does it seems as though it works at times and other times not so much. A confusing and very frustrating situation indeed, leading to lots of “why’s” and “what next” questions making you want to throw your hands into the air and scream.
Hopefully without sounding too presumptuous, I would like to share something that I learned from folks far more intelligent that I ever will be.....so here goes.
Men and women are very different creatures (duh, like that is a giant revelation!), and what motivates men is different and many times opposite from that which motivates women.
In the beginning of any relationship things work very well because at first the man cannot do enough for his beloved, to heck with living life, he has only her in his thoughts. As a result, her needs are not only fulfilled, but are overflowing. She in turn has become the singular object of his affection for which to protect and provide, filling his needs to the brim.
After time living life becomes a necessary priority. He begins doing fewer of the little things that made her feel cherished. Her needs are unfulfilled and she starts feeling taken for granted. However, because they are still in love and want to please the other, she decides to take action. It is human nature to do for others, the things that you would like done for you. So the women tells her man how much she loves him and gives him little gifts and things that she would treasure if done for her. The man notices and decides it has been too long since he did something nice for her so he goes out and does something big, like buy her a new car or take her on a nice vacation to show his love.
What he doesn’t realize, is that girls keep score differently than guys. For guys a new car or vacation should count as 100 and fill her needs for several months, but to her it counts as 1, just the same as if he brought her home a flower and a nice card (OK maybe not exactly one for one here, but you get the idea). Her needs are fulfilled and she is happy. Then a little later her needs begin to re-surface. He interprets this as her being greedy and ungrateful and thinks, what is her problem? I did all this for her and now she wants more; causing him to do even less. As a result, her needs bucket becomes depleted, and the problem escalates. She cannot understand why he is acting this way because she has shown her love for him in so many obvious ways (to her but not to him). He appears ungrateful and unloving.
The irony of this situation is that even though they both think the other is not giving and is being ungrateful, in reality, they are both giving; just giving things in a manner that fails to meet the needs of the other. As a result, they each feel angry, frustrated, confused and very unhappy. Life is not joyful.
We are all created with a need to connect with another human and form a union, and I realize this is a generalization because all people are different. Some women behave more like men and some men behave more like women. However, after we have found the love of our life, and living life finds a way of interfering with that magical bond that binds us as a couple, what do we do?
Enjoy TTWD for what it is and what it does for you in your own special way, because it definitely creates a connection, albeit temporary. However, I was once advised by wise counsel to recall the things that attracted us to each other after we first met and fell in love, and then start behaving just as we did then.
If you can do that, I predict that the living “apart” but in the same household will soon become a distant memory, because understanding each other's individual needs, and filling those needs each hour, day, week, month, and year, is the Rosetta Stone of relationships.
Blessings to all.